Capones and the death of mixology

Capones bar in Redding CA

1. Buy a dive bar for the price of the liquor license and for the location (directly across the street from Redding’s finest music and arts venue, the illustrious Cascade Theater).

2. Gut the space and spend some cash transforming it into a 1920’s Chicago-style bar with an upscale feel that almost makes it seem like an annex of the Cascade.

3. Hire some sessy young shorties to serve the drinks, and convince them that wearing push-up bras = bigger tips.

4. Hire affable bartenders who know how to mix the trendy drinks that the kids all love. (I saw three Red Bulls with shots of Jägermeister in pint glasses go to one table. :::shudders::: I couldn’t watch after that.)

5. If any old people come in and order old-people drinks, teach your bartenders how to look up cocktail recipes on the internet.

TL: “I’ll have a Kentucky sidecar.”

Barkeep: “What’s in a Kentucky sidecar?”

TL: “It’s a sidecar, but with bourbon instead of congnac.”

Barkeep: “Okay…..ummm…… .what else is in a sidecar?”

TL: “Contreau and lemon juice? I’m not sure.”

:::bartender fires up internet:::

There were 40 people in the place after the Japanese Tao Drumming show let out (amazing show), so Step 1 looks like the key element in a winning business plan. (If proprietor Kenny Breedlove’s bankers are reading this: You were probably skeptical about loaning money to a guy with a porn name that’s more suited to be on, but it looks like your money is gonna be just fine, fellas.)

One star off for the somewhat sour Kentucky sidecar — but thanks for teaching us why the cocktail glass needs to be sugar-rimmed. One star off for my hangover this morning. (Life isn’t always fair, Kenny.) One star back for the shorties.

Palo Cedro’s Buzz (you kids get off my lawn!) Fledderjohn from Yelp.

Capones bar in Redding CA
My Sidecar explanations have been reduced to “It’s a Margarita with brandy instead of tequila”…no joke. The demise of the classic cocktail began in the 80’s with “Teas” (both Long Island and Long Beach) and has been punctuated in the “00s with such greats as the Jaeger Bomb and the “Adios Mother Fucker”. This has caused rampant bartender apathy and atrophy. I hate explaining a drink to a bartender because I’m suddenly the pain-in-the-ass guy who is perceived as trying to be cool and clever. Fuck! All I want is a Manhattan.

Tom R of Chico from Yelp.

PS We heard Kenny may no longer be associated with Capones. Also, if the above business plan has some appeal to you, think about buying the Maritime Restaurant and Bar, which is very nearby. Part of Redding’s burgeoning theater district.

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